Can't take the kid from the fight

OUT OF CHARACTER: I AM NOT RYAN ROSS, and if you are leaving comments to this journal and you are not apart of theatrical_muse than PLEASE STOP!

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I’ am standing on stage for the first time in my life, I have my guitar strap around my shoulder, and it the guitar itself is pressed against my stomach. Standing to the left of me is Brendon behind me sitting behind his drum set Spencer, and all the way to the far right is Brent.

We are beginning to play our first live show, it is the first time we have played for a live audience. I am nervous as I’ve ever been but somehow I feel that I am ready for this, I push aside my shyness and begin to play.

Brendon’s singing is loud and enthusiastic, he is happy as are the rest of us.

When I look back at it all, I never really thought we would be as far along as we are. One album down and another one coming along.

Concert after concert, performances and more show appearances. Sometimes fame and glory isn’t all it is cracked up to be, sometimes I can feel myself being drained out and it just gets more and more tiring.

But when it does die down, I always want it back.

Word Count: 190

I’d probably have to say I’d try to have a slightly better relationship with my father. Which is probably not something most people would want but I feel that me and him missed a lot of stuff due to him being drunk and be being slightly stubborn to do anything about it.

I know now that he’s dead I can’t rekindle what happened, but I can always think of ways to make it seem like it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I know it makes no sense and that I should just continue to forget about it, but he is my father. I did cry at his funeral, what else can I do about it.

I can’t say I miss him, I miss him at times but than I think about all the other stuff and than I don’t miss him as much anymore.

That’s really the only thing I’d change, I like the way my life is right now. I have great friends, a great life ahead of me and I’m willing to live each day to it’s fullest and live it that way until I die.

Word Count: 189

Brendon got a tattoo, at first I thought he was nuts but I let him do it anyway. I'm not a controlling boyfriend nope not one bit.... okay maybe a little but if he wants to print his body fuck might as well let him better that I know than him doing it behind my back.

By the way, the tattoo is of piano keys (just like him to get that kind of tattoo.)

You’re all thinking I’d say Brendon right? Well Brendon is my best friend but than again, so is Spencer and Jon. It’s hard to say who my best friend is, when I have more than one.

Spencer has been there the longest, Brendon has captured something no one else could, and Jon is still working his way up on the friend charts but still a pretty close friend to me. Than there is also Brent, who might not be with the band anymore, but at some point he was my best friend as well.

It’s hard to decide who my best friend is, when I have 3 of the greatest friends ever. Jon, Spencer, and Brendon. They help me more than they could ever imagine and you know, if I didn’t have those guys I don’t think I’d be able to really compared anything.

All of my friends have a special place with me some more than others though. Brendon for instance but that just cause he means more to me than anything.

Topic 173: Write a Fan Letter (187)

Okay so I was searching through some old files on my old laptop, and I came across something kind of embarrassing and really old. It was an old fan letter I wrote to Pete Wentz and Fall Out Boy awhile back, it was when me and the guys were first forming the band. WAY after Pet Salamander *laughs* but here is the letter.

( The Letter )

What is the biggest mistake you've made in a relationship? (180)

Over-reacting. I’ve over-reacted so much and it’s hurt my relationship with a certain someone. But I don’t know I’m doing it until it’s all going down to shit hole.

Just recently I got back with my love and I’m very happy after being away from him for 5 days it drove me crazy I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even function right cause really I was worried and the reason he left was cause of be.. Over-reacting after he even told me it wasn’t what I thought it was, and that the feelings he had weren’t there anymore and in fact he DID love me. But I doubted him because I felt hurt and I know I hurt him in the aftermath of me being over-dramatic and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

Me and him have made tons of mistakes and for that our relationship faltered a lot but honestly I think all the mistakes we made be them big or small it actually strengthened our relationship.

I was also taught to learn from my mistakes anyway.

Ryan sat on his bed, talking with Spencer. He felt completely empty and he felt that he could no longer cry. He couldn’t think straight, and he kept thinking about Brendon and it was hurting more and more each second.

Spencer rubbed Ryan’s back softly as he felt tears run down his face, but they wouldn’t be long tears cause he felt he was completely dried up.

“I honestly don’t think I can cry anymore Spence” he said lightly and wiped his eyes, “I feel horrible.” He said placing his hands in his lap.

Spencer looked at him and felt anger but also sadness for his friend and former boyfriend. He moved closer to Ryan before moving and hugging him tightly.

Ryan felt Spencer pull him forward and Ryan slowly moved and latched onto Spencer hugging him just as tightly as Spencer was hugging him.

Ryan sat on his bed, in his room, tuning his guitar since he really had nothing better to do. Brendon had ran out into the woods and came back extremely excited saying “I found something fucking cool! You all have to come see it!” Ryan wasn’t about to get up and go into the woods to see something that was probably not even cool to begin with. He tried to drag Spencer and Jon out but they both just shooed him off and went back to playing their card game.

Ryan looked at the clock on his wall and he knew sooner or later Brendon would be bursting through his bedroom to try to drag him outside to see what he found.'

(( yeah it sucks :/ ))

Fragile (298)

Fragile that’s what people seem to think I am now and days; Fragile.

The thing is I’m a lot stronger than most people think; I’m not as fragile as I seem. Physically yes I’m fragile but mentally I’m about as strong as Brendon, Spencer, or Jon; maybe even stronger.

I guess coming home to a house, that seemed almost quiet during the day but loud at night also has a way of making you mentally stronger than most people.

My father the alcoholic, it’s not something I like talking about really but for some reason I feel that now is a good time to talk about him. But when you’re being beaten to the ground physically and mentally you have to find some way of making yourself strong.

I have been kicked out of my house, and beaten verbally and physically by my father. I can’t say I hate him cause he’s my father, it wasn’t either of our faults he just happened to be that way.

I remember I wouldn’t go home if I saw his car there, I would stay with the guys or just sleep in the rehearsal halls I was afraid if I went home he would do something worse than beat me; and that scared me most of the time, I didn’t know what to do.

Now that he’s dead, I still feel that he and I never truly looked eye to eye.

I think the fact that me and him really never saw eye to eye is what made me so mentally strong but now and days, I’ve found myself becoming more fragile toward certain things wither it’s a relationship or just friendships in general.

Sometimes I wish that I could be headstrong.

You know I never say this but im as happy as a school girl, haha. But really I haven't been this happy in along time, I've been stressed about working on the new album and stuff but the past two days my mind has been completly in another place.

Brendon saw my last entry and a lot of things went down but in the end it all changed, and I think I finally found someone who really means more to me than anything else.

I even said how much he meant to me, and I only did it in three words even if at first he seemed a little clueless but that's Brendon for you.

But i'm happy. REALLY happy.

--------

Okay so good feelings gone, now im worried about Brendon. I hope his migraine goes away :(

I feel like I’ve got everything I could possible hope for; and I don’t want it to go away, but somehow I feel what I’m about to say will end up probably kicking me in the face and make him hate me.

The reason I didn’t want to tell Spencer about me and Brendon was because… Me and Spencer, we had a small thing going on and I honestly didn’t want to hurt him. I think I might of though, because he saw me and Brendon kissing.

Sometimes I hate myself for the things I’ve done. I hope Brendon doesn’t hate me for this.

By the way Spencer was the first… for a lot of things.

Please don’t hate me Brendon. (I have a feeling you’re reading this anyway.)

Write about disappointment or disillusion. (155)

Sometimes I get disappointed in my fans, mostly the ones who find me so “adorable” that they can’t recognized that I’m actually a talented person. It drives me crazy; I wish just once that someone would say you are so talented! Instead of “oh my god you’re so fucking adorable“, at least give me some nice credit to myself besides the “adorable” factor.

I didn’t learn the guitar for nothing. Sometimes I’m glad I gave the vocals over to Brendon, he likes the whole “your adorable” thing, cause he craves attention all the time wither it’s from the fans or the band mates.

But I’m not completely disappointed in my fans, there are those select few that listen to us for our music and not just for our looks, I don’t really have that big of a problem with it but sometimes it just makes me feel like I’m not getting enough credit for the music.

Spencer knows, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be I figured since he was my closest and oldest friend he would take it differently than say Jon would, since Jon was still getting to know all of us.

So me and Spencer sat down outside the studio on the stairs and just talked about what he had “witnessed” in the hallway. He was a little shocked but he said he figured something was going on.

So it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I was still upset that he of all people found out, when really I wanted to break it to him gently. But I do think it could have been worse.

But we’re cool so it’s all okay, even if I thought it wouldn’t. Boy was I worried about this, even if it was such a small thing to worry about. Brendon was right though about the whole situation.

BUT I will still be with him, even if things get worse. If they do, we can handle it.